In the "On Sex - Dungeon Zone" blog subcategory, Terry will be writing regular short pieces covering a wide range of topics having to do with the world of BDSM. There is a lot to cover, so this should keep him busy for months!
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Enjoy your sex life, whatever form that takes!
Just about every couple I've ever met into BDSM started in the same way discovering their kinky interests and preferences: through bedroom bondage experimentation. The question, "Would you like to try something kinky tonight?" for most newcomers pretty much always means, "Would you like to be tied up and made love to?" (or its corollary, "Would you like to tie me up and make love to me?" of course!) Regardless of who initiates it, the result is always exciting for both partners. Role-switching of who plays submissive, who plays Dominant is usually the next thing to be proposed - often to an uneasy partner who's not so sure about whether they'd like that other role (who is often the one who initiated the idea in the first place! You know who you are!)
Keeping this all enjoyable and fun is the important thing. As a person relaxes into the feeling of being restrained, they usually discover a new type of feeling, where they are giving up their control and becoming profoundly submissive in a way not experienced before. Likewise, restraining another who trusts you completely and taking complete control over their experience introduces a person to the sensations and pleasures of being a dominant (er, that's Dominant, with a capital 'D', of course!)
Here are just a couple of tips to keep this sort of fun in control and exciting for both people:
1.) Most couples try handcuffs out first. Not to be less than enthusiastic, but there are better restraints out there (than metal handcuffs) that won't bruise your wrists when you find yourself suddenly lying on top of your bound hands! Rope cuffs such as our "Japanese Silk Love Rope" or a nice pair of leather wrist restraints are by far better to use, or one of the velcro kits if you are trying bondage where the arms are spread apart. Though some people love the feeling of the hard metal and it adds to the thrill, many will have more fun (and longer) with the softer alternatives.
2.) Consent. Always talk over what is going to happen first, and get/give permissions to do only what both parties are comfortable with. There is plenty of time to experiment with un-tried territories in the future, but keep things feeling relatively safe in the early go-rounds. The one playing the role of the Dominant must never trespass beyond these agreed upon limits. Sure, once there is a longer time of this and trust is established so that pushing one beyond their normal limits is understood as a part of the playtime rules, then it could be OK. But never assume it will be, especially until such time that it is agreed upon for the Dominant to push such boundaries.
3.) Have a plan of some kind. Agree to how it would or could reach an end-point. A "safe-word" should be agreed upon for "it's ok", "Whoa - slow down!" and "Please Stop Now". Most folks use colors (Green, Yellow, Red) or other symbolic words. If using a gag, use a hand gesture, or have the submissive holding something they can drop to say "hold on for a sec!" Dominants - check in with the submissive often to find out how they are doing. This attentiveness means a lot to a submissive, and enhances their commitment to pleasing and feelings of devotion toward the Dominant quite automatically!
4.) A blindfold adds so much to the submissive partner's experience. The sensory deprivation of not having sight to rely on allows for many nice mind-games, and intensifies the experience of all sensations. Dominants - use "sensation play" to drive your partner quite crazy ("sensation play" includes various ways of stimulating your partner's body that take advantage of their not being able to see what you are doing.)
5.) A gag can be used as a form of "punishment" (... but see the safeword item above), but they also offer their own "feeling" of being controlled and dominated. Use a smaller one to get started, and only use it for a short while until the wearer gets used to it. (It can cause tension in the jaw over time that makes for too much distraction when you are trying to have fun.)
And on that note - FUN is the operative word. We are not trying to re-enact the Spanish Inquisition here (well, at least not yet ... at this juncture). Go ahead and laugh, giggle, tickle, struggle a little bit playfully. (A little struggling looks sexy!) Read some books on this stuff - or check back for more of the blogs and articles here. Talk about what you felt, what you experienced, how it went, what worked, and what didn't work in the way you thought it would. This is an opportunity for deep rapport and communication. Have fun with this journey, and get deep into each other! Be open to each other's fantasies expressing Acceptance and Love. That's where it is at!
